Friday, December 21, 2012

Santa Fe Grill - Bean Burrito Repeat

Issac joins us for the finale of Veggie Trek. We repeat another previously failed burro to round things out. Santa Fe Grill comes through in spades, with a veggie burrito that even Daniel would get again; good consistency and flavor but for a few undercooked potatoes. As this Trek rounds out we, perhaps inevitably, turn our collective mind to the future of Burrito Quest. Bizarro Trek is looking more and more likely, despite Ben's intractable attitude toward meat. Isaac returns in rare form, trying to shock-jock by spewing racist slurs machine-gun style. Then we mostly blame it on Ben. Isaac and Ben decide to join forces on the whole thing and get Daniel mad. It only makes him yell at Tony more, who ate his burrito solo, not even waiting on the Questers. What a douche. Burrito Quest 4: Veggie Trek, success!

Ingredients: Beans, potatoes, salsa, pico de gallo, and green chile

Ben - Gay penguins, because nobody cares that they're gay except scientists, and they have to study it.
Daniel - Condors, have you seen the wingspan on those things? They're not the prettiest, but still impressive.
Isaac - Peacocks or turkeys, the female ones that don't look as pretty. It was good, but it could have been spritzed up.

BQ4 - Episode Thirteen
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Andele - Build Your Own Burrito Take Two

Andele boned us last time, this time we take it back! We refine the ingredients for their Build-Your-Own burro and the results suffer improvement of a sort. Onions, you're out, as is your overwhelming flavor. The burrito is somewhat dry, and their omission of side-salsa does not help. The overall flavor is good though. We supplement, after an appropriate period, with some store-bought salsa.  Again, much improvement. Bizarro Trek rears its ugly head, re: the future of Burrito Quest. Isaac is the third wheel of this Quest? How have we limped along all this time without him.

Ingredients: Avocado, cilantro, green chile, potatoes, and rice

Ben - Sushi that has the fried skin in it, you think it's going to be dry and kind of awful, but then it's ok.  Also...sushi.
Daniel -  Root beer float, I don't have them alot, but every time I have them I think they are good. But I don't crave them.

BQ4 - Episode Twelve
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Taco Bell - Veggie Cantina Burrito

Taco Bell, your bell has been rung for the last time. At least the last time during Veggie Trek. The previous excursion for this particular burro ended in failure, due to fowl incursion into what was supposed to be a strictly vegetarian affair.  This burrito rings 'veggie true' if not completely 'tasty true.'  A mushy melange of ingredients that taste like... well, Taco Bell in a rather indiscriminate manner. All in all positive, but only vaguely so. Recent realizations that Veggie Trek was on track for abject failure led Daniel to consider double-fisting episodes, in order to set a faster pace toward the end of the year. This sparked yet another realization, that such a thing had indeed been attempted, even achieved, in the misty past of BQ4. Given this, and recalculations of successfully eaten veggie burritos in the past year, it seems that things are not so dire for our intrepid heroes after all. After this last glutinous foray to the Bell, we are a mere two burritos from the first successful BQ foray since BQ Prime. The proximity of said success prompting the questions: "Then what?" and "Is Burrito Quest 5 likely?" Daniel forwards the notion of replacing one of the principles to ease the way for future Questing. Ben is less than enthused with the notion.

Ingredients: "Experience our new cilantro rice, flavorful black beans, guacamole made from real Hass avocados, pico de gallo prepared fresh daily, roasted corn & pepper salsa and a creamy cilantro dressing, all wrapped in a warm flour tortilla."

Ben -Like whiskey that tastes like smoky wood, some people really like that, I thought it might be interesting but it tasted bad.
Daniel -Burning pine wood in a fireplace, having a fire is nice and comforting, but that kind of wood is going to burn up fast so the comfort is fleeting.

BQ4 - Episode Eleven
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Andele - Build Your Own Burrito

The Quest is in trouble.  Andele is, a tasty establishment that we have visited in the past, serves us up another crushing defeat in our Veggie Trek.  Daniel actually does some footwork ahead of time to figure out what ingredients they offer that meet our stringent veggie requirements for building-our-own burritos.  Then Ben finds a tiny sliver of meat.  Failure!  So our records stands at 7 successes.  Not too great, especially considering our likelihood of questing for the rest of October or November.  The burrito, tiny piece of beef notwithstanding, is only ok.  The grilled onions generally overpower every other ingredient.  Also, the construction, when it comes to ingredient dispersion, is lacking.  Ben has wrapping problem, and also a lack of green chile.  Daniel fumes about the meat finding, and waxes boring on the subject of page hits to the BQ website.  Amy eats a pile of beef, again offsetting our veggie footprint.

Ingredients: Potaoes, avocado, cilantro, grilled onions, and green chile

Ben - Parking anxiety, you find a place to park but you're not supposed to park there, so you worry about your car getting towed.
Daniel -Studying for a test really hard and ending up with a shitty grade anyway.

BQ4 - Episode Ten
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Taco Bell - Black Bean Burrito

Taco Bell gets a chance to redeem its previous meat-filled disaster. And redeem it does. Once again, corporate chemistry brings flavor and consistency to the veggie trek. We do manage to slightly confuse the name of this one with the one of their cheesier burritos, but the end result is vegetarian and delicious. We also get some of Taco Bell's new corn salsa and guacamole, which are crappy and yummy, respectively. Ben mentions that he once visited an Mexican-Irish restaurant in Alaska. We talk briefly about the future of Burrito Quest and what, thematically, we might do for BQV. There is a lot of discussion this episode about cramming other foods into burritos (reubens, pizza, Grandy's). We talk about taking Sage to Taco Bell for a quest if he comes into town, or if we go to his town. Daniel gushes about Taco Bell and angrily denigrates those who think they are better than Taco Bell.  You're not better than Taco Bell!

Ingredients: "Enjoy cilantro rice, flavorful black beans, a savory three-cheese blend, topped with tangy red sauce, all wrapped in a warm flour tortilla."

Ben - Robots on Mars, we have one on Mars right now, and that's pretty cool.
Daniel - When someone cuts you off on the road, but they realize it and are noticeably apologetic.

BQ4 - Episode Nine
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Currito - Bankok Tofu

Not content to geek out strictly in the gaming direction, we also satisfy our burrito nerdery whist at GenCon.  More than one firsts in this episode: first mall food court burrito, first tofu and/or Asian-inspired burrito, first time questing together outside of Las Cruces.  Currito is self-styled "Burritos without Borders."  Not sure what that means, beyond putting non-traditional ingredients into a tortilla and calling them burritos still.  The tofu is uninspiring; cubes of tasteless white protein ('sick prots') that barely even added heft to the burro.  All in all pretty average, with decent taste and texture offset by a poor tortilla and lame tofu.  A short quest, wedged in between nerdly jaunts to the GenCon exhibit hall and various gamings.  It's almost relegated to a BQ: OTR segment, but let's face it, we may be cutting it close on this Veggie Trek, so we'll take what we can get.

Ingredients: "Thai-style peanut sauce, Asian slaw, cucumbers, rice, flour tortilla" with tofu added.

Ben - A good comic book you read a long time ago but forgot about, then you read it again.
Daniel - Bacteria existing in hot vents on the sea floor, kind of cool but overall pretty meh.

BQ4 - Episode Eight 
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Shed - Migas Burrito

We get the band back together!  Isaac is in town (also, Jenni) for a busy weekend, so we opt for a brunch burrito.  The Shed (formerly Old Mesilla Pastry Cafe) is a breakfast/lunch place with a dish called Migas, basically a bunch of veggies mixed with egg.  They graciously threw the dish into a burrito for us, minus the cheese, but smothered in green chile.  Opinions on this burrito were split and we're all over the place on this episode: racism, cave men, Scientology, Tom Cruise, Michael Phelps, olympic meals, Baby Spice.  We bust on Sage some, like we do.  Daniel broaches the idea of Bizarro Trek as an idea for Burrito Quest 5.  Ben tries to issue a rating that we are sure he's used before.  We are right.  Isaac is apparently too busy/good to keep up with Burrito Quest from afar.  And we break our two-failure streak for Veggie Trek!

Ingredients: "Two scrambled eggs, tomatoes, jalapenos, onions, cheddar and Jack cheese, crisp corn tortilla strips served with home potatoes or pinto beans."

Ben - Old Taco Bell sauce packet that you find in the back of your fridge.  Unexpected sauce packets.
Daniel - A rock star's tour bus, it seems like a pretty cool way to travel.  Someone else drives for you, you've got a bed and all the stuff you want, just like this burrito.
Isaac - The Fleshlight, it's a good idea when you think about it, there are great parts about it, but all in all it feels like kind of too much.
Jenni - The thing that I thought was tin foil, but was actually something from the burrito.  It's the "What is This?" burrito.
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Taco Bell - Chicken Cantina Burrito

Those shits at Taco Bell screw us!  We order Veggie Cantina Burritos and they give us the chicken version.  We eat it anyway.  We are joined by Alex and Nathan for a Burrito foursome.  Ben searches his vegetarian soul and decides throwing the burro away is worse than eating it.  His concessions are legion this episode.  Nathan, long-time-fan-bq-virgin, holds his own with aplomb.  Turns out he is something of (read: not really) a Taco Bell expert.  Our apologies for not coming up with a better burrito for his visit to Cruces.  Alex is offended by this food.  Offended in the taste buds and the culture.  Right in the culture!  But he is surprised he didn't hate it.  His is a tortured soul.  Daniel surprises Nathan and Alex with extra Doritos Locos Tacos.  Alex's offendedness increases by volumes.  All in all a pretty mediocre burrito for something that's supposed to be Taco Bell's new freshmaker.  Also, this one, like the last is contaminated by meats and thus does not count toward the Veggie Trek total.

Ingredients: "Experience our new citrus-herb marinated chicken, cilantro rice, flavorful black beans, guacamole made from real Hass avocados, pico de gallo prepared fresh daily, roasted corn & pepper salsa and a creamy cilantro dressing, all wrapped in a warm flour tortilla. Also available in Steak or Veggie." Crooked fuckers!

Ben - Pringles flavor cliff.  Eating a whole tube of Pringles in one sitting, and thinking that that was like 1000 calories of bullshit.
Daniel - Dyson vacuum cleaner, it's neat and shiny but it's still just a vacuum cleaner, who gives a shit.
Alex - Shame, for my enjoyment of this burrito.  It was a decent mixture of ingredients but I had low expectations so...
Nathan - Alex's t-shirt, it says 'meh' which is exactly how I feel.

"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Santa Fe Grill - Bean Burrito

Santa Fe Grill… Not much we can say that hasn't already been said. Vegetarians have options here, some X number of combinations that can be made from several veggie ingredients.  We discuss Taco Bell's likely stringent IP policies.  Amy doubles down on her contempt for vegetarianism by drinking her beverage after a fly had flavored it.  Daniel worries about his burrito linguistic skills.  Ben washes his vegetables, not to stave off pesticide poisoning, but to stave off insect poop.  Sadly, per the rules of Veggie Trek, the tiny bit of bacon Ben finds in his burro makes this one ineligible.  Given that we're sitting pretty at 4 out of 12 burros for Veggie Trek.  Time for a summer break!

Ingredients: Beans, Potato, Green Chile, & Pico de Gallo (plus inadvertent Bacon)

Ben - Waking up pretty early and you're not tired, you go out and do some stuff and you're suddenly like, "Man I've got all this stuff done already."
Daniel - Blowing out your voice playing Rock Band, it's pretty fun while you're doing it, the next day your voice is fucked up.  It kind of sucks, but how important is my voice really?

BQ4 - Episode Five
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Taco Bell - Fresca Bean Burrito w/Potatoes and Rice

In this episode we order Taco Bell like rock stars. Not content with yet another bean burrito, we have them add potatoes and rice. The burrito stands up, not only to other vegetarian burritos, but also to other burritos from Taco Bell. Daniel touts his good ideas, like ordering Fresca-style. He also takes credit for, and poo-poos, Isaac's great ideas while he was on the Quest. Ordering burros by modifying the standard ingredients may bolster Veggie Trek. Daniel backs up his burrito with two of the new Doritos Locos Tacos. The saltiness does not sway him. Limitations of Veggie establishment again raises its ugly head. Ben deftly avoids Daniel's suggestion that he get busy researching new places to get veggie burritos. He does this by proposing the Cheetos Chalupa. Hopefully he has, by now, sold this idea to Taco Bell for tens of dollars. Also, Ben espouses his love of Sage, at least as much as this burrito. Which spurs a whole tangent on Sage as a verbal noun, a la 'I really need to take a Sage.'

Ingredients: "A warm, soft flour tortilla wrapped around hearty beans, tangy red sauce, diced onions, and Fiesta Salsa." Plus rice and potatoes.

Ben - Sage's wedding; the general public doesn't really know about it yet, you kind of have to go out of your way to do it, but it's a good thing.
Daniel - Pace Picante Sauce; it's not very good salsa, but if you need to put salsa on something it's better than nothing.

"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Amy's Frozen Burritos - Black Bean & Veggie/Burrito Especial

Frozen burritos.  Finally?  Amy's brand tends towards the vegetarian and gluten free and whatnot.  Perfect for this quest into the meatless lands.  Unfortunately, all this organic-ness does not help the with one of the common frozen burro problems.  The tortilla was stiff and plasticky, the folded over areas so thick as to be gummy when bitten.  The ingredients, while distinct in their seemingly wholesomeness, were also differentiated by a less intensely salty flavor.  The ingredients also, similar to other frozens, achieved lava hotness.  Daniel recounts his wife's run-in with a food-inspector-friend at Pro's Ranch Market.  Worst parts, in order, per Ben: 1) Burning tongue, 2) the tortilla, 3) tortilla sticking to the paper towel and tearing.  Ben affects some Spanish, which Daniel misconstrues as a character from Total Recall.  Kuato!  Oh, and Ben is right, Total Recall came out in 1990, so technically a '90s movie.  Apologies for various audio problems.  We really need to figure that out one day.

Ingredients: Black Bean & Vegetable - "Organic flour tortilla wrapped around a combination of organic black beans and vegetables in a mild Mexican sauce. Nice and spicy. Non-dairy/no cholesterol."  Burrito Especial - "This burrito combines organic white rice, black beans, vegetables, cheese and a flavorful Spanish sauce wrapped in a delicate light tortilla."

Ben - Yesterday's underwear, nothing wrong with it, it's just not today's underwear.
Daniel - The three-boobed lady in Total Recall, all show and no substance.  A shitty make-up job and she gets shot through the middle boob.

"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

XX Large Chimichanga

El Monterey's XX Large Chimichanga, one more X and it's NSFW! (pause for drum roll and polite laughter) This packaged burrito...stymied me for a bit.  It wasn't awful, but something was off.  Maybe it was that it didn't have that wet newspaper smell that the rest have had while microwaving.  The XX split the seams of the burrito while cooking and the entire thing ended up coated in a layer of grease.  I opted for a knife and fork.  The tortilla was waxy and almost translucent.  The filling was more uniform and redolent with fattiness.  All in all, though, it was just mediocre.  Like eating a burrito-flavored piece of plastic.  I think that's what threw me.  Based on composition I should be waxing prosaic about how this slid down my gullet like a slug and/or hit my guttyworks with bomb-like intensity.  But really I just ate it and almost forgot about it.  Notice the packaging too: "Textured Vegetable Protein Added."  Looks like I trended back toward vegetarian and didn't even know it.

Rating: The background hum of a refrigerator, you hardly ever even notice it if anything else is going on.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Patio Beef & Bean

The Patio, its petite-ness, in both size and price, was a welcome respite from the previous two gut bombs. I only wish the actual eating of it had been as pleasant. The package instructs you to wrap the burrito lightly in paper towels, then microwave. This resulted in the paper towels sticking to the tortilla, and tearing the burrito to pieces when removed. The filling was a familiar salty meat slurry, only a bit more questionable in texture (read: grit). The tortilla was gummy in the middle and rock hard where it was folded around the ends. All in all this was 48¢ that could have been better spent, like on 4.8 packs of ramen.  Less than impactful, in more than one way.

Rating: Crunching grit between your teeth, never pleasant.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


The Grandito is manufactured by our good friends at Don Miguel Mexican Foods, the same fine folks who brought us the Bomb.  They have a website on the packaging but as far as I can tell the address is no good.  Grandito was similar to the bomb in smell and texture, but diverged on some key points: caloric content and spice.  Of the former it weighed in at roughly 75% of the Bomb's heft.  I believe what Don Miguel left out in fats and fillers, he replaced with zest!  This "spicy red hot beef & bean" burrito did indeed live up to it's name.  That's a relative assessment of course, as it was only about as spicy as a medium heat pico de gallo, but still, for this sort of product that's plenty unexpected zing.  The slighter mass of this tortilla torpedo did lessen it's...impact.  Or at least forestalled it somewhat.  I did not get quite as sleepy after Grandito, and the uncomfortable gasses did not set in till much later.

Rating: Getting a speeding ticket after you've been forced to slow down by traffic.  You got a ticket, but it could have been a lot more expensive.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Bomb

Given that we are questing a frozen burrito soon I figured it would be good to do a little research; grab some frozen burros and get them in my belly. The intent was to eat one a day leading up to Friday. First up is the Bomb, a burrito I picked up in the cold case at Pic Quik. Felt a bit odd walking past Santa Fe Grill with a packaged burro in hand. Heating it up, there was distinctive smell, probably off the tortilla, that triggered something in the deep college-years-recesses of my brains that whispered, What are you doing in this conveniance store this late at night? The Bomb wasn't bad, taste-wise; mushy, vaguely cheesy, not at all spicy, with the occasional whole bean popping up through the meat slurry. My first thought on finishing it: So this is what it feels like to power down 1000 calories and 2000 mg of sodium in one sitting. Eating the Bomb definitely weakened my resolve for a frozen burrito sprint. But this is a sacred quest, and my will is strong! Stronger perhaps, than my bowels.

Rating: Drunken fast food binge, it's deceptively good while you're doing it, and ultimately regretful.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Burger Time - Bean & Green Chile / Potato & Egg

Burger Time has been visited in BQ's past.  The quality, when vegetarianism is applied, was significantly diminished.  The beans were super bland; the potato and egg equally so.  We discuss BQ's utilization as a reference, and whether that could possibly be useful.  Daniel shits on vegetarian food some.  Not literally.  Kenny get's a shout out, but only because he tends towards plainer foodstuffs.  Pro's Ranch Market has a Burrito of the Month (January: Ancho BBQ Chicken), so Daniel went and ate it to mildly positive reviews.  Ben's rating gets garbled to humorous effect.  We discuss breaking through the bean wall with vegetarian burritos.

Ingredients: See above.

Ben - Breaking your toad, not doing anything...  Stepping on a frog.  Broken toads.
Daniel - Getting an eyelash in your eye, and not being able to get it out.  Super fucking annoying.

BQ4 - Episode Two
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Si Señor - Bean Burrito

We start our Vegetarian Trek with a trip back to Si Señor for their Bean burrito.  We got them to hold the cheese, and asked them to add green chile.  They got one of those things right, the important lack of cheese thing.  Green chile was not so much in attendance.  It's filling but lacking in spiciness.  Daniel's burrito develops a butthole, then poops beans out of it.  Ben proclaims his minority status as a born-again-vegetarian.  Our apologies for the massive burrito wrapper crackling throughout the recording.

Ingredients: Beans, (supposed) Green Chile

Ben - Taking something in to get it replaced when it's out of warranty and they replace it for free.  Getting a little more than you expected.
Daniel - Poker, 7 card draw, personally I find it kind of boring.  It's full of beans.

BQ4 - Episode One
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Burrito Quest 4 - Veggie Trek

We're back!  Neither Ben's vegetarianism nor Daniel's fatherhood could hold us back for long.  BQ3 is just a sad memory of failure.  Onward to BQ4!  The Veggie Trek will consist of 12 Vegetarian Burritos for 2012.  We've come up with about half a dozen spots to try and hopefully can cobble  together six more.  The rules are thus: Eat 12 Vegetarian Burritos in the next year.  Yes, this seems pretty doable, but wait, there is a catch.  If we order vegetarian and they screw it up, that one doesn't count toward the total.  So, join us on this brave and ridiculous journey into the world of meatless burritos.  New episodes should be along shortly.

Oh, and we found a lost recording from last June that was never posted.  Look forward (or backward) to that soon as well.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Burrito Quest, Lives?

Where oh where has Burrito Quest gone?  When Isaac left, Ben and Daniel tried to march on, but things got in the way.  Mostly Ben's newfound vegetarianism.  There is some hope that we can get back on track with a Vegetarian Trek.  We shall see.  In the meantime, here is a Burrito Quest: On the Road that Daniel recorded back in June.  It is, as far as we know (looking at you, Isaac) the only Burrito Quest: On the Road in existence.  It is also the only BQ episode recorded in the actual eatery from whence the burrito was purchased.  The firsts just keep coming...from the past!  Enjoy!

Qdoba (Brighton, CO) - Fajita Ranchera Burrito
Qdoba makes foil-wrapped burrito bombs.  They are large and made to order, a la Subway, right in front of you.  The endless combinations could be a quest in and of itself.  Apparently the tortilla itself adds substantially to the calorie count each burro.  Daniel's brother Jon steps in ably for added commentary, and gives an impressive rating for a guest commentator.

Ingredients: Fire-grilled red onions and bell peppers with our tangy Ranchera sauce (no beans), with black beans added.

Daniel - A chain restaurant that you like to go to.  It's pretty tasty but has a bit of a mass produced quality.  Maybe like Arby's.  I like Arby's.
Jon - Good sex.  I could have it three times a day.

BQ: On The Road - Episode One
"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.