Friday, March 9, 2012

Amy's Frozen Burritos - Black Bean & Veggie/Burrito Especial

Frozen burritos.  Finally?  Amy's brand tends towards the vegetarian and gluten free and whatnot.  Perfect for this quest into the meatless lands.  Unfortunately, all this organic-ness does not help the with one of the common frozen burro problems.  The tortilla was stiff and plasticky, the folded over areas so thick as to be gummy when bitten.  The ingredients, while distinct in their seemingly wholesomeness, were also differentiated by a less intensely salty flavor.  The ingredients also, similar to other frozens, achieved lava hotness.  Daniel recounts his wife's run-in with a food-inspector-friend at Pro's Ranch Market.  Worst parts, in order, per Ben: 1) Burning tongue, 2) the tortilla, 3) tortilla sticking to the paper towel and tearing.  Ben affects some Spanish, which Daniel misconstrues as a character from Total Recall.  Kuato!  Oh, and Ben is right, Total Recall came out in 1990, so technically a '90s movie.  Apologies for various audio problems.  We really need to figure that out one day.

Ingredients: Black Bean & Vegetable - "Organic flour tortilla wrapped around a combination of organic black beans and vegetables in a mild Mexican sauce. Nice and spicy. Non-dairy/no cholesterol."  Burrito Especial - "This burrito combines organic white rice, black beans, vegetables, cheese and a flavorful Spanish sauce wrapped in a delicate light tortilla."

Ben - Yesterday's underwear, nothing wrong with it, it's just not today's underwear.
Daniel - The three-boobed lady in Total Recall, all show and no substance.  A shitty make-up job and she gets shot through the middle boob.

"This Is The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten" by Parry Gripp, used with permission.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

XX Large Chimichanga

El Monterey's XX Large Chimichanga, one more X and it's NSFW! (pause for drum roll and polite laughter) This packaged burrito...stymied me for a bit.  It wasn't awful, but something was off.  Maybe it was that it didn't have that wet newspaper smell that the rest have had while microwaving.  The XX split the seams of the burrito while cooking and the entire thing ended up coated in a layer of grease.  I opted for a knife and fork.  The tortilla was waxy and almost translucent.  The filling was more uniform and redolent with fattiness.  All in all, though, it was just mediocre.  Like eating a burrito-flavored piece of plastic.  I think that's what threw me.  Based on composition I should be waxing prosaic about how this slid down my gullet like a slug and/or hit my guttyworks with bomb-like intensity.  But really I just ate it and almost forgot about it.  Notice the packaging too: "Textured Vegetable Protein Added."  Looks like I trended back toward vegetarian and didn't even know it.

Rating: The background hum of a refrigerator, you hardly ever even notice it if anything else is going on.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Patio Beef & Bean

The Patio, its petite-ness, in both size and price, was a welcome respite from the previous two gut bombs. I only wish the actual eating of it had been as pleasant. The package instructs you to wrap the burrito lightly in paper towels, then microwave. This resulted in the paper towels sticking to the tortilla, and tearing the burrito to pieces when removed. The filling was a familiar salty meat slurry, only a bit more questionable in texture (read: grit). The tortilla was gummy in the middle and rock hard where it was folded around the ends. All in all this was 48¢ that could have been better spent, like on 4.8 packs of ramen.  Less than impactful, in more than one way.

Rating: Crunching grit between your teeth, never pleasant.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


The Grandito is manufactured by our good friends at Don Miguel Mexican Foods, the same fine folks who brought us the Bomb.  They have a website on the packaging but as far as I can tell the address is no good.  Grandito was similar to the bomb in smell and texture, but diverged on some key points: caloric content and spice.  Of the former it weighed in at roughly 75% of the Bomb's heft.  I believe what Don Miguel left out in fats and fillers, he replaced with zest!  This "spicy red hot beef & bean" burrito did indeed live up to it's name.  That's a relative assessment of course, as it was only about as spicy as a medium heat pico de gallo, but still, for this sort of product that's plenty unexpected zing.  The slighter mass of this tortilla torpedo did lessen it's...impact.  Or at least forestalled it somewhat.  I did not get quite as sleepy after Grandito, and the uncomfortable gasses did not set in till much later.

Rating: Getting a speeding ticket after you've been forced to slow down by traffic.  You got a ticket, but it could have been a lot more expensive.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Bomb

Given that we are questing a frozen burrito soon I figured it would be good to do a little research; grab some frozen burros and get them in my belly. The intent was to eat one a day leading up to Friday. First up is the Bomb, a burrito I picked up in the cold case at Pic Quik. Felt a bit odd walking past Santa Fe Grill with a packaged burro in hand. Heating it up, there was distinctive smell, probably off the tortilla, that triggered something in the deep college-years-recesses of my brains that whispered, What are you doing in this conveniance store this late at night? The Bomb wasn't bad, taste-wise; mushy, vaguely cheesy, not at all spicy, with the occasional whole bean popping up through the meat slurry. My first thought on finishing it: So this is what it feels like to power down 1000 calories and 2000 mg of sodium in one sitting. Eating the Bomb definitely weakened my resolve for a frozen burrito sprint. But this is a sacred quest, and my will is strong! Stronger perhaps, than my bowels.

Rating: Drunken fast food binge, it's deceptively good while you're doing it, and ultimately regretful.